free funny life quotes: Funny Life Lesson Quotes

Funny Life Lesson Quotes Definition

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only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen
A friend is someone who will help you move. A real friend is someone who will help you move a body.
Unknown
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.
Samuel Butler
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
Gordon R. Dickson
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Euripedes
The human mind treats a new idea the same way the body treats a strange protein; it rejects it.
P. B. Medawar
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
Solomon Short
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.
Larry Gelbart
I used to wake up at 4 A.M. and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.
James Thurber
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
Sam Brown
There is nobody so irritating as somebody with less intelligence and more sense than we have.
Don Herold
A schedule defends from chaos and whim.
Annie Dillard
Things are seldom what they seem, skim milk masquerades as cream.
W. S. Gilbert
Total absence of humor renders life impossible.
Colette
Male and female represent the two sides of the great radical dualism. But in fact they are perpetually passing into one another. Fluid hardens to solid, solid rushes to fluid. There is no wholly masculine man, no purely feminine woman.
Margaret Fuller
Thus, in a real sense, I am constantly writing autobiography, but I have to turn it into fiction in order to give it credibility.
Katherine Paterson
Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.
Chuck Norris
If you go in for argument, take care of your temper. Your logic, if you have any, will take care of itself.
Joseph Farrell
Be master of your petty annoyances and conserve your energies for the big, worthwhile things. It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe.
Robert Service
It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence.
Muriel Strode
Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
Mary Ellen Kelly
I'll publish right or wrong. Fools are my theme, let satire be my song.
Lord Byron
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
Carol Burnett
Humility must always be the portion of any man who receives acclaim earned in the blood of his followers and the sacrifices of his friends.
Dwight D. Eisenhower
Liberty lies in the hearts of men and women; when it dies there, no constitution, no law, no court can save it.... While it lies there, it needs no constitution, no law, no court to save it.
Learned Hand
Common sense is not so common.
Voltaire
Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
Josh Billings
Guilt upon the conscience, like rust upon iron, both defiles and consumes it, gnawing and creeping into it, as that does which at last eats out the very heart and substance of the metal.
South
Hate is always a clash between our spirit and someone else's body.
Cesare Pavese
A tart temper never mellows with age; and a sharp tongue is the only edged tool that grows keener with constant use.
Washington Irving
Nowadays most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes.
Muriel Strode
Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
Robin Williams
Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow.
Aesop
There is so much time and so little to do; strike that, reverse it.
Willy Wonka
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a- ****.
Jack Nicholson
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
Quality is never an accident.
Willa A. Foster
The supreme irony of life is that hardly anyone gets out of it alive.
Robert A. Heinlein
Gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.
Terry Pratchett
Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!
Robin Williams
She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other.
Robin Williams
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.
Jake Johanson
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
George Carlin
Hunting is not a sport. In a sport, both sides should know they're in the game.
Paul Rodriguez
If my theory of relativity proves to be correct, Germany will claim me a German, and France will claim me a citizen of the world. However, if it proves wrong, France will say I'm a German, and Germany will say that I'm a jew.
Albert Einstein
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
Robin Williams
It could not be happening because this sort of thing did not happen. Any contradictory evidence could be safely ignored.
Terry Pratchett
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.
Ellen DeGeneres
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Rodney Dangerfield
A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
Clive James
If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work:
Robin Tyler
The vision of a champion is someone who is bent over, drenched in sweat, at the point of exhaustion when no one else is looking.
Annson Dorrance
I've got a twisted sense of humor, and everything amuses me.
Robert A. Heinlein
As I grow older , I regret to say that a detestable habit of thinking seems to be getting a hold of me.
H. Rider Haggard
I once shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx
Ford, you're turning into a penguin. Stop it.
Douglas Adams
I like men who wear earrings. They've bought jewelry and they've experienced pain.
Rita Rudner
Mornings are wonderful! The only drawback is that they come at such an inconvenient time of day!
Glen Cook
I'm glad I didn't have to fight in any war. I'm glad I didn't have to pick up a gun. I'm glad I didn't get killed or kill somebody. I hope my kids enjoy the same lack of manhood.
Tom Hanks
Of course I've got lawyers. They are like nuclear weapons: I've got em coz everyone else has. But as soon as you use them they screw everything up.
Danny DeVito
If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields
And now the sequence of events in no particular order.
Dan Rather
Sometimes you've got to specifically go out of your way to get into trouble. It's called fun.
Robin Williams
It's hotter than a snake's **** in a wagon rut.
Robin Williams
It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river.
Abraham Lincoln
Lost a planet Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing.
Yoda
Hey! Whatever part of my mind said that, please cut it out.
Neal Visher
Half-full? Half-empty? It's not even my F@&%#G cup !!!
Neal Visher
Well, there's no F$%@ing 'U' in team either!
Neal Visher
Consequently, Molly was in the woods and nobody could hear him screaming over the sound of the falling trees!
Neal Visher
I think you just broke my gaydar
Chantelle
A guy walks up to me and asks 'What's Punk?'. So I kick over a garbage can and say 'That's punk!'. So he kicks over a garbage can and says 'That's Punk?', and I say 'No that's trendy!
Billie Joe Armstrong
You say it to my face, you might be pickin' yourself off the ground
Billie Joe Armstrong
It's my **** life and - you know what? - nobody invited you... so there's the door.
Billie Joe Armstrong
Do you have a problem? I have a gun. I'll shoot you. No problem.
Billie Joe Armstrong
I'm smiling because they haven't found the bodies.
Shirt
Don't piss me off, I'm running outta places to hide the bodies.
Keychain
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ****.
Keychain
Don't piss me off, I don't HAVE to hide the bodies.
Keychain
The little green men that sit directly behind my eyeballs and speak directly to my brain don't like you.
Shirt
My imaginary friend says you have mental problems.
Shirt
I hear voices... they don't like you.
Shirt
Keep talking, I like watching your lips move.
Shirt
I'm smiling because I have no clue what your talking about.
Keychain
Note to self: I am a genius.
Shirt
Shut up voices or I will poke you with a q-tip again.
Shirt
I live in my own little world, but it's ok they all know me here.
Shirt
Bomb disposal expert. If you see me running, try to keep up.
Shirt
I make small children cry.
Shirt
My pet zombie hates your guts, but loves your brain.
Shirt
I'll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
Shirt
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mibnd the most.
Keychain
I have PMS and a gun. Sorry, did you have something to say?
Keychain
Silence is gold, but duct tape is silver.
Shirt
The difference between a crazy person and an insane person: Insane people get all the drugs and crazy people get all the fun.
Daniella Conger