free funny life quotes: Funny Quotes About Life

Funny Quotes About Life Definition

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If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance. - George Bernard Shaw

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics. - Author unknown

When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time. - Author unknown

Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still. - Lou Erickson

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. - Oscar Wilde

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. - Author unknown

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. - Author unknown

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. - Christopher Isherwood

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. - Author unknown

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, "So far so good!" - Author unknown

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. - Steven Wright

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. - Author unknown

Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it. - Author unknown

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? - Steven Wright

Born to be wild - live to outgrow it. - Lao Tzu

For most men, life is a search for the proper Manila envelope in which to get themselves filed. - Clifton Fadiman

After one look at this planet, any visitor from outer space would say, "I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER!" - William S. Burroughs

Life is like eating artichokes, you have got to go through so much to get so little. - Thomas Aloysius Dorgan

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? - Bob Monkhouse

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. - Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. - Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. - Woody Allen

Life is just one damned thing after another. - Elbert Hubbard

Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man. - William Shakespeare

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. - Will Rogers

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about. - Sam Ewing

I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it. - Charles Schulz

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. - Mark Twain

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. - Jane Wagner

Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. - Steven Wright

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. - George Ade

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. - Bill Watterson

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. - Author unknown

Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter. - Author unknown

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. - P. D. East

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. - Mark Twain

I told my dad I stopped raising hell and he called me a quitter! - Author unknown

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. - Sherrilyn Kenyon in "Dance with the Devil"

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. - Helen Hayes

Crying doesn't help anything, try your luck with violent mood swings. - Author unknown

Smile, tomorrow will be worse. - Author unknown

When I'm right, no one remembers, when I'm wrong, no one forgets. - Author unknown

We never really grow up. We just learn how to act in public. - Bryan White

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. - George Bernard Shaw

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. - Author unknown

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. - Steven Wright

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film